Stay tuned for the newest novel, 'Single With Benefits' by
Relentless Aaron
Single With Benefits (excerpt)
Venus and I were supposed to enjoy a safe evening at home this New Years Eve. We popped open a bottle of Alize', she slipped into some hot, striped booty shorts and a tight tank top, while I sat there amazed at my computer, working on my report for my college journalism class. The writing is supposed to be an in-depth look at the phenomenon of 'certain' urban fiction books that behold stories of incest, as well as how much these books are endeared within the inner city. But my report took a detour now that my girlfriend walked in the room.
'So'how I look?'
'Damn good. And I know whatchu tryina do, Venus. But, just give me another ten minutes to finish what I'm doin.' It's only five o'clock. I promise I won't stay glued to the computer. Promise.'
Venus with the twisted grill. 'Mmm, hmm. S'what chu always say.'
'I said I promise,' I hollered, finding it necessary to raise my voice since she disappeared into the bathroom. And now I really had to finish typing what was on my mind, otherwise she would get to smoking and then the night would really be a flop, which would mean that my raging hormones wouldn't reach their final destination, and that the New Year would start off with a bang, only not the bang I had in mind.
Typing furiously, my 5 minutes turned into 8, and then ten, and a moment later I saw Venus appear again from the corner of my eye. My hand immediately reached to the mouse, ready to find the 'start' button, then the 'stand by,' then'
'Right now,' I said, letting her know that I know I had reached my own definition of 'finished.'
But Venus had something else in mind. Plus, the cell phone was glued to her ear.
'I need to step out. A friend needs my help. Can you come with us?'
'Come with us? Who is us? And, I thought we were supposed to fall back this year, fall back and be together, as in you and I, and nobody else?' I didn't even think twice about how this was all my fault. We could've started New Years Eve early, and at least we could've been practicing making babies. But my heavy work ethic resulted in 1) Venus on the phone with one of her friends and, 2) Venus probably got asked out to a party somewhere. Suddenly, this was another opportunity for me to take another sip from the glass she sat near my computer. Maybe more like a gulp.
'If I told you, you wouldn't ' '
Okay, this is the part where I interject, and thanks to my own curiosity I say, 'I wouldn't what? Come with you where?' Now, what she doesn't see is all the images flashing through my head: me and Venus at the strip club with the friend she had on the phone; the three of us at some local bar, working our way towards a handsome-threesome, or me actually the focus of that threesome. All of these imaginings (and the good liquor) were stomping their way through my garden of common sense before Venus got a chance to respond. And then she did.
'My friend, Allison '' Of this, I was already sure. After all, those two were only on the phone for 12 hours out of the day, everyday. '' Remember the problem I said she was having with her man?'
I rolled my eyes. The whole here we go look.
'Well, she needs a ride to Long Island.'
'Long Island???' Now I was squeezing my hand down over my face, hoping to wake up from an inebriated dream of some kind. No she is not considering a long-ass trip from the Bronx to Long Island! It made me wonder just how this night was gonna turn out, since her head was obviously not altogether focused on us. Damn that phone and that drama queen, Allison.
'Baby, it's not gonna be all night,' said Venus.
I heard what she was saying, but I also had my eye on the big fat lie underneath that statement since it would surely take 45 minutes to get there, and just as long to get back. Not to mention how long it might take for Allison to do whatever it was she had to do.
Then, with her hand to shush any chance of us being heard over the phone she said, 'I'll suck your dick really good tonight.'
So, on the way over to Allison's house, my mind already settling for Venus's promise of ecstasy-squared, there's this big discussion about how Kerry did this, and Kerry did that. The conversation was now joining ranks with my wild thoughts and the rest of the Alize' I gulped down. Add to that how depressed and enraged and sad and angry Allison was there in the front seat, and you could see my visions of threesomes taking that killer jump into the Long Island Sound. All the while, the trip over the Whitestone Bridge, and then down the Van Wyck Expressway, raced by my eyes faster than normal. How did I know it was faster than normal? Because I know Venus wasn't a pilot, and her Jeep Cherokee wasn't a rocket, that's how! Yet, that's how fast shit was comin' at me.
'Would you slow the hell down!' I shouted this while I held onto the headrest in the back seat. I know I must have looked like a bitch who couldn't handle his liquor, but that's just how I get when I've had three drinks and no food to soak it up. Funny how you can lift all the heavy weights you want in the gym, but when it comes to the alcoholic beverages, it don't matter what your size is; you, you and you too can become a bitch after a few swallows.
Now Venus was laughing, and I could see that Allison wanted to smirk, except she was too damned disturbed by her boyfriend's actions to feed into laughter. So, now it was time to get into her ass.
'I can't see why you're going through this, anyway,' I told her. 'If the mothafucka's cheating, and if you know it, then why the drama? Cuz that's whatchu askin for tonight.'
Venus jumped in and said, 'it's something she has to do. She has to see for herself.'
'No. Whatchu wanna see is jail for yourself'' I could see Allison wagging her head belligerently. But that alcohol in my body was ready to overcome that attitude right quick. 'Nah, listen to me. This is just how shit starts. Don't you remember Butafucco? Don't you remember Mary Jo? Her face is all twisted up, for the very same shit you're goin through right now.'
'That was different,' Venus added.
'No, hell no,' I said, still with an ounce of common sense left in me. 'The only difference is that Amy went to step to the wife In this case, it's you who are stepping to the girlfriend. And you ain't even married to this guy?'
'It doesn't matter, Shawn. We got a child.'
'Yeah, and what. That makes you married? That makes him committed to you? Girl, lemme tell you something' the only thing that makes a man married or devoted is the commitment that he holds within himself. Ain't no certificate, no vow, and definitely no child gonna make a man say no to no new pussy. You can take my word for that. That nigga is single, single with benefits. And you? You need to get a life, girl. Cuz you ain't askin for nothin but drama, tonight'' I said all this to her, but to myself I then said, I can't believe she dragged me into this shit. All I wanted was peace and quiet and sex tonight. When the ball dropped on Times Square, I expected my balls to drop on Venus!
And now I was looking at Venus, casting my intoxicated misery her way.
Allison said, 'I can control the situation. There won't be any drama. I just want to face him.'
'You wanna let him know that you know. Then what? The other woman comes from behind him with a gun, she sees you as a threat on her front stoop, and BAM!'
'It's not like that,' Allison said.
'She already met her,' Venus said.
By this time, all of this new information ran side by side with the past years activities (good and bad) all of it racing through my mind, and with the cars, trees and shrubs whizzing by outside of the rear window. There was enough conflict fighting inside of my head to start a war in the Congo.
'Don't you seem to know all the particulars,' I said to Venus. But my mouthing off could've easily been directed at Allison.
'Don't pay him no mind, Allison. Two drinks is all he can handle if he doesn't eat.'
'Whatever.' I answered. I know what I'm talking about. And now you wanna drag me all up the mix.' I spoke my mind, but I could hear myself blabbering with my numb lips, carrying on about how Allison was hard-headed, and how a hard head makes a soft behind. I wasn't necessarily standing up for her cheating boyfriend, nor did I need to get all up I their relationship such as Venus apparently was, but I didn't mind telling her, 'you got a bad seed, girl. Deal with it. Either you're in the relationship, or you're not. Either you're committed and in love, or you're not. Simple as that.'
'Baby. Baby! Would you just shut up and enjoy the ride?' Venus again, chastising me as if I'm the bad one in the scenario. And yet, I was numb enough and dizzy enough to stick my tongue out at Venus. And, as corny as that seems, that's just what I did. Then she laughed as I fell back in the seat, held at bay by the raw power of alcohol.
I did more than fall back in the seat. With how heavy my head was feeling, I closed my eyes and found myself deep sea diving with my blubber lips (that's how they felt), and the warble sounds seeping in and out of my ears (that would be the Jamaican jams playing in the Cherokee), and the blur of activity I could barely make out with my bloodshot eyes; all of this was turning me into one incoherent fish. Meanwhile, my mind was taking me elsewhere. My weekly schedule between school and work. Balancing my checkbook and coordinating that with my weekly and monthly goals. All of this maintenance in my life, just so that I would hopefully be a knock 'em dead journalist some day. Of course, nothing is promised in life, so basically I'd need to survive everyday in the effort to reach some of those goals like my own car, my own real estate and the whole American Dream that everyone keeps talking about. A few years ago, I didn't care about a lot of that; the goals, the steady work and the journalism job. I was headed down the wrong path, running with a few Vice Lords who relocated to New York from Chi-Town. All of that was taking me to the land of nowhere up until my Uncle yoked me up right quick.
'See, the stuff you doin' ain't whatcha call cool, Shawn. All you doin' is worryin your mother to death, and disrespecting your late father ' God bless his soul.'
And, for a minute I began to rebel, except, Uncle had this stronghold around my upper torso, with his muscled arm strapped around me like an octopus limb. The bind this man had me in almost stopped my breathing. So there was no sense in me challenging him. After all, everyone knew Uncle Charlie had been there, done that, and that he was no one to fuck with. All I could do was listen.
'All that gang-bangin' is for the birds. And those cats you callin' your boys ain't really your boys. If they was, they'd tell you like I'm telling you. Get your ass a job you can enjoy. And get your ass a dream, boy, one that you can keep your eye on'' Uncle eventually Charlie let me go, but he still went on preaching. Now that I let you go, I know you got a choice in life, boy. I know you can disappear and I won't have any say in what you do and how you do it. But, you gotta take my word, young buck. Life is nothin to play with. There are a lot of my friends buried in the ground or behind prison walls, and they ain't here to tell you the truth. The only way for you to learn the truth is from people like me; people who escaped the raw side of life. I got a taste of that life, Shawn. And it ain't pretty at all. Believe me''
Uncle Charlie's speech hit home. But, not only did he talk to me, he even guided me. We spent some quality time together. He took me to his job, where he was working construction; he taught me to drive, and he showed me stuff my dad never got the chance to. Uncle Charlie helped me taste what it was like to be a man, as well as he showed me what the other side looked like. It's one thing to watch dudes act out in the movies, but it's another thing to see it in person.
I'll never forget when Uncle took me to a Rutger's basketball tournament. We were sitting minding our business when some group of dudes tried to slide by but spilt some beer on Uncle's leg. That wasn't the bad part; the dude who did it looked at my Uncle like, if there's a problem, do something about it. I could feel it when Uncle Charlie just ignored the dude and took this deep breath, as if he was gonna let this dude's mistake go. But then, out of nowhere, the dude tosses the rest of the beer in Uncle's face. I know he was tryin' to prove something to his buddies. But I'm sure he didn't expect what happened next. All he did was get my Uncle real upset. And there was mad people watching, real close-like. Well, long story, short, Uncle Charlie grabbed the dude by the jersey and lifted him straight up off the ground. Uncle Charlie the magician.
'You don't really want this, young buck. You don't really want what you askin' for. I promise you.' And the way Uncle snarled at this guy even scared me. Plus, his words seemed to be caught up in his throat like he was chewing rocks or something. I never saw my Uncle like this.
But, just when you swore this was the end of it, like I totally expected this fool to realize he had mistaken my Uncle's kindness for weakness, these other clowns tried to pop mess, and they basically started throwing wild swings. I could see they weren't good fighters, how they were either missing my Uncle, or at least hitting him awkwardly. No, I didn't just stand there. I was 17 years old, with probably two fights that I could remember. But Uncle Charlie had taken me in the back yard on many an afternoon to show me how to fight; jabs, left hooks and right crosses. Uppercuts were my favorite, because he always held the heavy bag at an angle so that my punches landed flat, where the gut of a human was positioned. Try it with the bag upright and it stings your knuckles, especially if they're soft like mine were at the time. 'If you get 'em under the ribs real good, he'll lose wind, and you'll have the advantage. From that point on, never let down. Finish the fight,' Uncle Charlie told me.
So, right there in the Rutger's grandstand, Uncle Charlie basically did what he always taught me. He finished the fight. There wasn't much of a brawl. At first, Uncle took a couple of cheap shots before he flattened some husky dude with a fake platinum chain. I even caught one in my temple, but it was a sucker punch that only got me mad. Use pain as your driving force, Uncle Charlie always said. And damned if I didn't get all wild-eyed. And I just picked one dude to go after. He must've thought me to be a punk on account of my Izod t-shirt and the sandals I was wearing that day. But, the instant this dude swung and missed, I followed through with a hook to his midsection. When he buckled he looked like he was tryin' to dance the Harlem Shake, but that only gave me my next shot, straight for his stomach. He hunched over and I was about to finish him with an overhand right. By the time the ballgame came to a halt and everyone turned towards us, one of the two guys Uncle Charlie was flinging around got up and charged at the two of us in some manic, frustrated, fit of rage; like he was suddenly a linebacker tryin to hold the line. I guess he was using pain as his driving force, too. The few of us fell into some other spectators, some other wild punches were thrown, and then gunshots were fired. That's when everything just froze. But a half second later people were running everywhere. When shots are fired so close to you the sound deafens your ears with fear. That's right, fear in your ears. But then you say this heartfelt prayer, begging God for mercy, and telling him you'll never do anything wrong again. At least, that's what I did.
Ever since that brawl, I was determined to walk whatever path Uncle Charlie wanted. He was a God to me from that point on. I never saw so much power and determination come from one man. He was a winner to me, how he fearlessly took on those goons without thinking twice. He even took time to warn them! And, Uncle Charlie was a father to me. He still is. And that's the reason why my sudden trip to Long Island seemed so outside of my character. It's something Uncle Charlie would have surely said 'no' to. I'd been walking the straight and narrow, bold but cautious with every step and decision I took. And now, because of Venus and her Heavenly gums I had agreed to go on this witch hunt; Allison's witch hunt.
In and out of the daze, I was listening to the ongoing conversation Venus and Allison were having about Kerry this and Kerry that. They were talking about this guy like he was the worst man, and like he represented every other man on the planet. I didn't even bother defending us; Kerry was already taking us back by a decade with his cheatin' ways. Or should I say, his poor cheatin' ways. I could never understand some dudes. If you want another woman, why don't you just say it? Why the sneaking around? What's that about? And is Kerry dishonorable and sneaky in everything he does? Now, I even had a bad taste in my mouth when it came to Kerry. I never liked him anyway, I told myself.
Those memories of how Murphy's Law can come into play at any place and time had been helping to keep me in check since those days I hung with Uncle Charlie, so why not now? I wondered this as we pulled into a dark parking lot. I was coherent enough to see and hear Allison on the phone taking directions from someone, until we finally met up with who she said was a 'private investigator.' If these two could only see the look on my face: Oh brother. Hadn't we all seen enough movies about private eyes, to know they're the scum of the earth?
'Here we go,' I said in my pessimistic tone. Then, when I came up from my slump, I said 'Venus, don't you think Kerry's gonna recognize your car?'
'So what if he does? He's a cheater,' she responded.
'Oh. So you want drama.'
'It's not about that. My friend needs my help ' '
'And support ' '
'Yes. And support. And I wanna be here for her. Something wrong with that?'
The conversation between me and my girlfriend wasn't gonna stop Allison, who had already jumped out of the jeep into a dark church parking lot to meet up with Mister Private Eye.
I sucked my teeth and said, Whatever. I just wish you didn't drag me into this. Already it's close to nine-thirty.'
'Don't worry, we'll be back at home I no time,' said Venus. And now Allison was back in the car.
'Okay. Follow him,' she said.
'Is he there?'
'Yeah. He says he saw his car in the driveway at her house. That mothafucka.'
'See? Adrenalin is rushin' through her body, and she can't wait for an altercation. I can see the handcuffs and the paddy wagon already.'
'There's not gonna be any police. I'm in control,' Allison claimed.
'Right. I need to have a picture of Mary Jo Buttafucco's face for you. Just to show you how crazy this shit can get.' But, still nothing was stopping Allison. She was busy pointing so that Venus would follow the P.I.
'Baby, do you have to drive so close to the house!?' I was mad at Venus, and slumping down again in my seat. It wasn't as if I was scared of Kerry or nothin. I just wasn't about to run into Murphy again. Plus, regardless of how good the blow job promised to be, there was no way she was gonna get me involved in this. Not getting out of the car; not about to be seen; nothing.
'Jesus,' I carried on. 'Can you at least park a little further away?' But while I was getting paranoid, I couldn't help but to also be curious.
'There it is,' blurted Allison, pointing at Kerry's car in the driveway. 'And that nigga said he had to take a trip to Pennsylvania. Lyin' mothafucka.'
'Ohhh, such crude language, Allison. And I thought you were a nice girl.'
'Stopn playin, Shawn.'
'I am a nice girl, that is, until you get on my bad side.' These were the last words from Allison as she hopped out of the car. I got a better look at her under the street lights and I realized this woman got dressed up and made up for this, like he was about to be on stage. She was about to make a scene!
'Alright, listen to me, Venus. I know this is your friend and all, but you can not get involved, no matter what happens. This is their problem, not ours.'
'Yeah, but there's no way he's gonna beat down my friend and I'm just gonna sit here and watch.' Venus had her lips all tight and twisted at me, like I was the enemy.
'Venus, the Private Dick is there to help her. Plus, do you see the type of houses in this neighborhood? Do you see the type of cars? Have you given any thought to why it's so quiet out here on New Years Eve, when back on the block niggas is bustin' down the concrete?' As if she wasn't getting the message, I had to raise my voice when I said, 'It's because we don't belong here, Venus. That's why. These folks don't have drama like we do, and the neighborhood is quiet because they keep folks like us out.'
Venus said, 'Me cyan help my friend if '' then she sucked her chops again, long and loud this time. Now, generally, I take it as mad sexy when Venus gets into her native tongue, especially when she's telling me off for leaving the toilet seat up, or leaving my laundry laying around. My dick just instantly gets hard for an island woman's fierce attitude. I just think that shit is totally sexy. However, this time, her eyes looked as if she wanted to wage a war with me. And all the while, we were both looking out of the car window to see Allison's approach. Step by step, our argument lingered on, as though we were each secretly pacing Allison's fate.
'You act like they our friends or somethin. If that was the case, yeah' I wouldn't mind jumping in. But Allison is your friend, Venus. That's your girl who you tell your little secrets to. She ain't got nothin to do with me. Plus, her boyfriend ain't about nothin but money. Don't let me hafta remind you when he came over for the barbeque last year; how that nigga was all stingy with the food he brought over, talkin about he paid big bucks for this and how he was the only one who invested in ice, and whatever-whatever. I wanted to throw hot coals at his penny-pinchin ass. But that still don't make this here situation right. We're somewhere out in butt-fuck Long Island, where cops ain't got nothin betta to do than lock people like you and me up.'
As if nothing I said hit home, Venus said 'Look, she's ringing the bell.' And now we were both peeping Toms, faces almost pressed up against the Jeeps glass, waiting for some response.
'Why she backin' up?' I quipped. If they see who it is from a window they ain't comin to the door.' I'm saying this, but I'm also waiting, waiting, waiting' Eventually, Venus calls Allison on the cell. In my bones I'm feeling this to be a violation, and that my girl can't help but get all nosey. And now I'm nosey too, listening in on their conversation.
'Al? What happened?'
I made a face to say that's obvious.
'Okay, so maybe the bell doesn't work. Why don't you knock?' Venus, the troubleshooter. And then I could hear through the phone, Allison saying the bell works.
'Oh. Well, ring it again. He's probably in the bedroom.' Venus, the instigator.
And I said, 'Ya think?' But then I had another solution. 'If I was her, I'd just slice all of his tires and call it a day.'
'you're not helpin' any, Shawn.'
'Hmm' and you are?' I could see across the street where Allison was ringing the bell once again. And once again Venus and I were nosey. 'I guess he's not there.'
'Or he's just damned smart and doesn't wanna answer,' said Venus.
'That's what I would do,' I blurted. But once I said that, I had this urge to blame the Alize'. And Venus turned her head towards me with that deadly look Caribbean women use as a weapon. I spoke quick.
'Uhh, that is, if I was cheatin', which I'm not. So ' '
'Shawn, shut up while you're ahead.'
Nothing like a few good drinks to make you feel loud and obnoxious, or submissive and woozy. This was one of those times I chose to shut up, since an argument would only make me homeless out on the street. And I'd end up blaming it all on Allison. I suddenly wanted another drink.
'You dooooo?' Whatever Allison said on the phone encouraged the wide-eyed surprise in Venus. Then I overheard the words, yes, of course i have an extra set.
It was now clear to me that Allison was gonna take her boyfriend's car.
I breathed my own sigh of relief once Venus finally closed her phone. It felt as if the General & puppet master of this incident had spoken. And I watched as Allison followed through with the plan, sneaking into the driveway, then into the car, and we were the ones to head first off of that block into the rest of New Years Eve.
'Make the right turn here, baby.' The Private dick was behind us, and Allison was driving her boyfriend's car, but I noticed they took a left, instead of the right.
'Where are they goin,' I asked. But Venus was already on the phone with Allison.
'Sup, Al.' There was silence in the Jeep as I tried to make out what the problem was. 'Oh, okay. Well, you be safe. Call me.'
When Venus shut her phone I said, 'Don't tell me, she's goin with the dick.'
'I think she hafta pay him. She's goin to the cash machine ' '
'Right. Then after the cash machine, they'll have coffee. Then, after coffee, he'll be runnin up in her as some fleebag hotel. I already know how the story goes,' I said.
'He's not like that,' said Venus, defending dick.
'Please. There's no better position to have a woman in. She's heartbroken, distressed, and his shoulder is gonna be there to cry on. Are you kidding me? That's the best pussy to have. That oh-God-what-do-I-do-now pussy.'
Defending everything now, Venus said, 'Well, maybe that's good for her. She hasn't gotten any in, like, two months. So, let her get her shit off.'
And I'm thinking how lucky dick is to have women coming to him with money and pussy. Lucky s.o.b.
It was 11:30 when we got back home. Just in the nick of time to carry on with our own festivities. And, no bullshit, it was as if Venus had been timing all of this; how she popped in the porn DVD for me to watch when I came out of the shower; and how she eventually emerged a little bit thereafter, all fresh and clean by 11:55. And I'm dyin if I'm lyin, because at the stroke of midnight, Venus was looking at the clock radio and keeping her promise, with my dick so hard and snug and intentional in her mouth. And trust me, there's nothing like a woman giving an intentional blow job.