Beeperless Remote: A Guy, Some Girls, and His Answering Machine
by Van Whitfield
Publication Date: Jul 01, 1997
List Price: $22.00
Format: Hardcover, 288 pages
Imprint: Pines One Publications
Publisher: Pines One Publications
Parent Company: Pines One Publications
With a style that is simultaneously self-effacing and downright hilarious, Van Whitfield’s Beeperless Remote is the cleverly told tale of one man who has been thrown into the dating pool and is struggling to get out.
Meet Shawn Wayne. He’s single, employed, hard-bodied, a former All-American, and looking for his ideal woman. Shawn may have an obsession with ESPN’s "Sports Center," money, and going to the gym, but he’s a good guy. According to his best friend, Kelly, however, he may have to "expand his universe" a little to find the right woman.
Shawn’s search for the woman of his dreams leads to dating misadventures ranging from nightmare blind dates and underage flings to encounters with married swingers. Held hostage by today’s technology, where dating has become a complex web of answering machines and cell phones, he finds the rules have changed, and that he now has to contend with six different types of women:1s—"I just got out of a really bad relationship."2s—"I’m not interested in a relationship. I just have friends."3s—"What is it you said you do for a living?"4s—"Men are dogs."5s—"My biological clock is ticking. I need a man."6s—"I’m single, I’m available, and, yes, I’m interested."Will Shawn find his "6"? Read this hilarious Blackboard and Emerge bestseller and find out.
Question and answer session with Van Whitfield on Beeperless Remote
Q: What inspired you to write Beeperless Remote?
A: A very bad blind date. I was totally hyped about meeting this particular woman but the date was a complete disaster. The next morning, I found that I was being downsized from my job. Losing my job made the date seem even worse. I remember blaming literally everything on the woman and the date. I needed an outlet, so I wrote about the date and made it funny to keep my spirits up. 30 chapters later, I had a book.
Q: How different or alike are men and women when it comes to dating?
A: Not much. Women and men basically want the same things. Trust. Respect. Support. Love. Room to grow and a major physical attraction. Women do date better than men though. Theyll get prepared. Men just kind of show-up.
Q: Where do you find regular guys?
A: The same place you find regular women. At the supermarket (in the soft-drink aisle). At the laundry-mat (by the overload capacity machines). On elevators (going-up). And, of course, in electronics stores (near the big screen tv section).
Q: Do you believe men are waiting to exhale?
A: No way. Men arent waiting to do anything besides finding a way to meet the right woman and making sure that bad dates are over in time to catch SportsCenter.
Q: Commercial fiction is popping up across the country as fast as Barnes & Noble. Whats unique about your approach?
A: Beeperless Remote is about entertainment. We have been extremely fortunate, because it seems to have struck a cord with many readers. Were told that people feel its funny and that its fresh. Id like to believe its a real change of pace from the books that dominate the market. From what Im told, most of the other relationship books are down right depressing. Plus, weve approached the entire publishing experience from many different angles. Our web-site is simply the best interactive Internet experience for any author anywhere. It captures my spirit and the fun and energy that makes Beeperless Remote work. My team thinks big and dares to be innovative, challenging and close to the edge. We believe that the publishing industry is stuck somewhere in the Jurassic era. When it comes to my work, well push the envelope and drag them along with us. Publishing companies and a great many authors have missed the opportunity to capitalize on the very real relationships they create with their readers. Hopefully our success will inspire others to be more creative in their approach to marketing and connecting with their audiences.
Q: Will you continue to use humor as your style of writing?
A: Absolutely. I am not a trained writer and I dont think anyone would accuse me of being a funny person. But I feel God has truly blessed me. I cant begin to explain where the ability to write humor even came from. My next book, Somethings Wrong With Your Scale! is completely different. Its about two people who meet at a NutraSystem weight-loss center. The story-line focuses on gaining and losing weight and how it affects relationships, careers and self esteem. Doubleday will release the book in 98.
Q: Beeperless Remote achieved success in the DC metro area, but there were problems with your publisher. Why did you create another alliance with a small press?
A: People have some mixed-up idea that I had to go with a small press, which couldnt be further from the truth. We turned down substantial offers from major houses. I always believed that Beeperless was going to make somebody a bunch of money. If I could keep that money in the community and really learn the business at the same time (something a large press wouldnt afford me), I felt Id be better off. Pines One stepped to the plate and things couldnt be better. A small, capable press like Pines One Publications gives me a level of involvement, commitment and personal attention that is not easily matched.
Q: Now that youve signed a multibook deal with Doubleday, will you ever find the need to go with a small press?
A: I honestly believe that all of my work have the type of impact that will allow me to create some unique opportunities. Right now, I have companion books and products planned for my other works. These will be profitable ventures for the right company, so Im open to anyone who can or has demonstrated that they can effectively market and distribute with the best. It wouldnt hurt if they could put up with my nonsense too.
Q: In your book you make reference to music a lot, what song would you use to describe each type of woman?
A: Interestingly, each woman in the book has her own theme song. And one the opportunities I eluded to in the previous question, is the soundtrack (not the spoken book) which is based on all the songs featured in the Beeperless Remote. It would be easier to assign a movie title to each type of woman, so here goes:
1s. Fatal Attraction
2s. Shes Gotta Have It
3s. Jerry Maguire (especially the "Show Me The Money!" part)
4s. Waiting to Exhale
5s. Four Weddings and A Funeral
6s. Dont need a movie. 6s would accept the free video that you get with your Sports Illustrated subscription.
Q: Your book seems to reveal a womens secret test. Is it true that women judge men as potential mates by the shoes they wear?
A: As I wrote the book, I developed a survey and interviewed 50 men and 50 women. One of the questions was: What is the first thing you notice when you see a member of the opposite sex? To my surprise, many women answered, "His shoes." I was shocked. Nearly all of my shoes have a Nike swoosh on them, so Im out of step. I ultimately found it to be true that women absolutely have a thing about shoes. Bad shoes = Bad guy.
Q: What are other love tests in relationships?
A: From a male point of view, heres how it goes. If you can trust her when you cant see her, shes okay. If shes there when you need her, shes cool. If she cares, keeps it exciting and knows when to push and when not to push, shes making a mark. And when you want to do stuff as opposed to having to do stuff, her mark is made. The true test is simple. If she has cable, knows what channel carries ESPN and gets excited about watching SportsCenter with you (because she knows youre excited), shes all of it.
Q: What is your dream date?
A: Dream date? My dates are nightmares! If she were awake, alive, not on parole and truly single that would start. Place, time and what we do matters little if Im out with the right woman.
Q: What are some of the best one liners that women used to get your attention?
A: Thats funny. As if women were actually trying to get my attention. Anyway, I guess the best line is, "The treats on me." Followed closely by, "Are you busy tonight?" It doesnt take much. It seems like women arent forced into the role of pursuer that often. They dont have to come up with slick lines (like guys do) and they know it. So the most youll usually get from a woman is, "What time are you picking me up?"
Q: Every man seems to have some obsession — Your main character, Shawn Wayne is frugal and a die-hard sports fan. Whats yours?
A: My obsession, if you can call it one, is my very real desire to encourage others to write and to pursue their dreams. I was shot down so much in the process of writing and marketing Beeperless Remote that I started feeling like a human bulls eye. But I never stopped believing in my ability or what I was doing. I want to pass that sense of faith and perseverance on to others. which is how my "Education Works!" Foundation came about.
Q: Describe dating in seven words?
A: Fun. Exciting. Difficult. Stressful. Good. Bad. Necessary. Basically, full of major contradictions. But if you want to meet your soulmate, its what youve got to do.
Q: With so many magazines and books offering women warning signals and defense tactics on men who cheat — what do you think Shawns warning signs should be?
A: Shawn, like many guys is looking for someone who is real. So the warning signs are obvious. Shawns mother is a major influence in his life and she would probably tell him: Dont date a woman who gives you a pager number instead of a home number (shes looking for control). Dont date a woman who doesnt take care of her place (she wont take care of you). Dont date a woman with satin sheets on her bed (she didnt put them there just for you). And dont date a woman without cable (no cable, no SportsCenter).
Q: What tips would you offer both men and women on dating?
A: Id first tell them to read Beeperless Remote! Then Id say, be honest, be consistent, be fair and go with the flow. If it was meant to be, it will.
Q: What advice would you give to aspiring writers?
A: Id tell them to read Beeperless Remote too. Then Id say, believe in your work, educate yourself about the business, surround yourself with good people, set goals and timetables and stay focused on them, dont get down on yourself when you get rejection letters, learn your audience and know how to reach them and dont sign anything without a good lawyer and a capable agent.