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I also avoided this Cynique because I was taught by a strict versification and meter professor when I earned my MFA (poetry and fiction). I also taught Creative Writing and I tend to be very hard on poetry because of the way I was taught. After seeing your comments though I guess I'm doing Shirley a disservice by not commenting. I'm conflicted about commenting because it can scare a person into not posting, but I have a feeling that Shirley has thick skin... so here we go. Life’s Candle (cliche title - much too easy to name the poem this) I saw a candle lit today, long and strong created from clay. (intriguing to see a candle made of clay, but when you use inverted syntax, adjectives after the noun, this moves the poem automatically into doggerel territory, and gives me a pause... what's worse is that I have a phallic image when it comes to candles and long and strong did nothing to stop that.) Hot molten wax, no life in sight, (No, molten? I understand the flame was hot, but to equate it to a volcano implies that the candle was hot enough to melt through anything which means that it couldn't cool so quickly, and you have personified the poem by implying that it can't see life. Molten cooled is volcanic rock and it's impossible to be shaped to perfection after being molten unless it was in a mold.) cooled to perfection and shaped just right. Strong and slender, the wick took form, (Inverted syntax. Don't do this to attain the rhyme. Rhyme should be a natural process and shouldn't be jarring. Also you used strong once already, vary your word choice). the flame its beginning, a new thing is born. (I guess smoke is born from the flame, but once again it's very tricky personifying the candle. I guess as a metaphor you can do it, but below you really push with the couplet dies and cries (predictable rhyme) and giving the candle human qualities. It would be more powerful to actually write about the person the candle represents as opposed to this personification.) A new breath inhaled, the candle—it cries. An old breath exhaled, the candle—it dies. (Much too easy and simple) The success of the flame is the endurance of man, (No, a flame is a flame, use a simile and it still doesn't make sense. The flame sits atop the candle to provide light. I definitely get the connection. But wouldn't this work just as well: Man's endurance, like that of a flame, flickers and flutters fearing the wind. Notice the alliteration of those Fs creates the sound of a flickering flame? That's nice.) it flickers and flutters, so grand does it stand. While melting and bending, it fears the wind’s gust. (You haven't shifted back to the candle so the melting doesn't quite make sense if this is still the flame. You are inverting syntax again which is a serious no-no. You did it the previous line as well.) Life is a mystery with no one to trust. (If you insert a space break here you can shift to a discussion on a person, but by connecting this to the previous line this stanza is forced. More important this is a cliche and an overused idea.) The burning of the wick shows a life endured. (No diggity... We all knew where this was going. It's an emotional poem, but in serious poetry, we don't tell, we show. Imagery is the foundation of all poems and if you've shown in going out, then this can be inferred.) The melting of the wax shows a death assured. (Syntax again, and forcing this rhyme is not good.) No air to breathe, the candle cease to be— (Personification and verb agreement... the worst part is the idea that the candle is breathing. Candles don't breathe.) the flame gone out, I turn to Thee. (Inverted syntax and the introduction of someone else at the close is a no no. Poetry is personal, but there are rules. You have here 16 lines. Two octet stanzas with a rhyme scheme that allows the rhymes to come to close together especially when the syntax and verb agreement has problems. When rhyming it is almost always better form to use Iambic pentameter as the line length because the poem has time to move into the next rhyme. Some of your lines have a bit of ghost meter, but you run the line over into extra syllables without justification or reason.) Once again, I definitely apologize if this seems too abrasive. This was my response after about two reads. I'm sure if I stayed with it longer I could write more, but this is a workshop styled critique and what you can expect if you ever decide to submit your poems to an agent or publisher. The difference is it would be a much longer critique and more than likely you would never hear from that agent or publisher. I don't confess to be the best teacher, but I'm pretty good. Since I don't do this often I will offer a rewrite and my suggestions. The flame danced on the candle as people passed. (Personification/alliteration - p) Melted wax, like water, reflected warm fire. (Simile/alliteration - w) Black wick smoking slightly above the glass, (Imagery/alliteration - s) no one noticed how this transpired. (Note the rhyme scheme is ABAB instead of rhymed couplets. Also each line has 10 syllables very close to Iambic pentameter so the lines read better, but definitely needs work) The candle is lit at birth and at death. (Notice I just said this outright instead of making the candle a living thing. Whether it's true or not is not the point, by default the candle now represents life and death. The one who made the candle doesn't know the person who bought or lights the candle. You get the idea. I really don't do this often, but I'm extremely passionate about poetry and if you've been writing a while, it would be great if you could post a sonnet or a syllabic poem for us to read. I always say that we don't have to know the rules of poetry, just write what you feel. I do believe this, but I know you have said several times that you are considering finding an agent. I wouldn't be helping you if I let you submit a poem without being told how "professionals" view poetry. At any rate, this is only a critique like in a workshop. If it helps, cool. If it doesn't, cool. I just hope it wasn't too abrasive.

I just happen to notice this post because with the exception of Haiku I am not that into poetry any more and hardly ever come to this forum. But, - when I saw Troy's name as the last poster, I decided to check out the leaves on the Poetree. Whatever. I read "Life' s Candle" and as is Cynique's habit, took on the role of critic... My immediate reaction was a problem with the mixed metaphor that greeted me. The candle is curiously made from clay(?) in one line and then becomes "hot molten wax" in the following line. My next red flag was the use of a candle as a metaphor for life because this is so common that to do so hampers originality; how many ways can't you versify a snuffed out wick representing death?? Which brings us to Shirley's need to inform the reader that a candle is a symbol of life's mystery when actually, this message didn't ring true since she made the comparison between a candle and life anything but a mystery. And, there's always the snag of poems that rhyme, because to make words rhyme, sentences often have to be transposed, something which can make them awkward. Like Troy, I also was thrown by the sudden insertion of the word "thee", and wondered who it was meant for, - which is not necessarily a bad thing because it leaves things to the reader's imagination. Unfortunately in my imagination, using "thee" was an affectation. Anyhoo, poetry is a personal thing and as long as it is an extension of the poet's soul, so be it,

Most teachers have never studied poetry with any real depth, so they honestly have a difficult time teaching their students. It's like when people expect English majors to be the perfect people for teaching grammar, when the honest fact is most English majors are better at analysis than grammar. The people who should teach grammar are linguistics majors. Want to see the speech and grammar improve in schools? Hire a linguist and have the students take both linguistics and English in school. Most English teachers and even some professors in some instances, have probably taken one or two courses where they analyzed poetry, but they have no idea of scansion, meter or the "rules" of poetry which poets work with. Poetic license in a limerick is a expected which is what that line is. Dr. Suess does it all of the time, but those poems are not meant to be taken seriously. Suess is also doing inverted syntax intentionally for comedic effect. I don't know if that was the case in this poem as it is in a lot of poetry that is written by those who are unaware of the various methods of creating poetry. I think everyone should write what they feel and what they are comfortable with. However, when we begin to submit to agents and publishers and they ask why you didn't use iambic tetrameter with substitute feet like dactyls or trochees or amphabracs, then novice poets run into trouble. (Honestly publishers and agents simply won't accept the submission.) It is definitely an elitist attitude, but one of the first things that I used to teach in creative writing is that if you wouldn't say this normally, why would you embellish and change the way you speak in poetry? Poetry is not fiction. It is often personal and very close to the person writing so we usually associate it with something the person goes through... which isn't the case in fiction. Now in narrative poetry you can tell stories and make it fictional, but that is often the exception not the rule. Rhymes should not come to close together and typically only when using certain line lengths to avoid a doggerel, but... you can always write whatever you want. I do like the idea of the poem, just not the execution. Now notice the lines from Edna and how natural those lines read. The rhyme isn't an intrusion. That is how and why maintaining syntax is so important it shows command of the craft.

"If called by a panther, don't anther" is a famous line written by poet, Ogden Nash, an exponent of the nonsense poetry genre, "anther" being the way a person with a speech pediment would say "answer". (Nonsense poetry originated with nursery rhymes.) Another famous couplet of Ogden Nash is: "candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker". When it comes to poems about candles, bon vivant Edna St. Vincent Millay's little verse is also famous: "My candle burns at both ends/It will not last the night/But ah my foes and oh my friends/ It gives a lovely light."

Thank you Richard

How do you find a place beyond time, is it galaxy wide? Or smaller than an eye?... Always wanted to know because I feel I fit in with no one and no where