Mel Hopkins

@Cynique This statement is so funny too me . One of my best friends , a life-long single-no children-petite-gorgeous-wealthy-professionally-successful-woman, refused to sacrifice her personality for any man. She had a blooming love life but only dated a black man once, and that's when she closing up the legal affairs on her parents estate. She hired him to close up one of her homes in Philly... ... She'd later confess to me she was in an weakened state. He had a daughter, she adored, the little girl's name was "Destiny," which held a special significance for her. She would "study" the man's baby mama "...In fact, you would have thought she was Jane Goddall the way she observed and reported on black men. She observed and thought black women would have to be contortionists, to deal with black men. It was funny to me at the time because her observation was my "normal". I worked as a marketer in my professional life and it carried over to my persona;. Sadly, if my experience serves as evidence - then I'd have to agree, black women would have to sacrifice self - and that too could be a reason they're salty. When the woman, I spoke of above passed away, I changed a lot of things in my life and it included stopping the charade and contortionist act in my dating.. Needless to say my dating love life changed drastically. I wish I can say I care but I don't. Today, I show up in all my relationships, life is too long to sacrifice or hide any part of me .

Twin, @Delano, I had to give you props! You hit 2-3 of my soft spots! I'm a nerd, nerd-lover and I'm a dancing queen...I don't drink, do drugs or smoke but I will go clubbing to dance the night away. When I worked as a flight attendant, during one Denver layover, I met up with a facebook friend and he took me to this place called the "beauty bar " OMG!!! The DJ played old school soul music from 9 - 2 am! I never left the floor. The next day, I had a flight back to O'Hare, I told the Captain I had danced all night at this club. Don't you know when I deplaned, I was met for a drug test!!! Dude ratted me out but I was clean - and still floating that I had an opportunity to get my dance on.

@Troy In May 2017, the former president, Mr. Obama pledged and donated 2 MILLION DOLLARS "toward two Chicago programs that provide summer jobs and apprenticeships," Mr. Obama "cited the city's violence and the need to "reach young people who might be at risk if they don't have something to do during the summers." THAT IS PERSONAL CASH FROM THE OBAMAS !!! Maybe you should start researching and "Stop talking" when it relates to Barack Obama. Every time you refer to him you make it clear that you don't know of his accomplishments as president nor do you know of his activities now that he's left office. There's an obvious blind spot when it comes to him so maybe you should leave him out of your conversation.

Wait? @Troy How did I get into this one LOL! I was doing my best to stay out of this controversial topic. But since you called my name... the last year I was proposed to by a black man was 2013... and practically every year prior to that of my adult years. Well, not while I was married. I was off the market then. But even before my divorce was final it was a white man who proposed that year. But I do know what this woman is talking about, unfortunately, and I've dated some real "good black man catches" ... In fact, one GBM couldn't make it into town but put me on his guest list for one these exclusive club here in Atlanta. He wanted me to go and enjoy myself with everything on his account. It was all arranged I just couldn't see myself going on a date alone because I knew what type of life I was setting myself up for. But that's the level he was operating on... . I've dated some trashy BM/WM/LM too. I married a white man but he was exactly what I needed in my life at the time. I needed to get over my black baby daddy who was the love of my life but our affair was far too tumultuous for my maturity level. Still, to this day, I would label him a good black man. We were just star-crossed. I've dated the UN since I was 16 years old and then my boyfriend was a bona fide Alabama white cracker and we were in love. So maybe that's why the sisters are salty - they've only dated or waited for Black Knights and for me knights come in different shades of black - from light white to dark black. I stay away from married men but like @Cynique mentioned they are an easy pick. I learned a few years ago, I'm not as open as I thought I was. I like honesty and I was hedging (I think that's the correct term) into in a polyamorous relationship when I figured out, I don't like to share men. I'm not a jealous type though I'm a serial monogamist. But chile puh-lease, don't get me started. I love the inner intensity of black men - they smolder white hot internally,and are exciting! White men burn hot externally and Latin men are just fire (too much fire to be exact and us as a couple is dangerous liaison because I have a bad temper when unleashed.) I came close to dating an Asian man but I can't remember why it didn't continue. I learned getting any of those dudes to propose means you practically must become a chameleon and morph into their ideal... I was good at that which is why I got so many proposals but from my experience black men were the most difficult to convert from single to married. I did turn a few but they were the most difficult. Maybe it's because black men are used to down home cooking and the other men aren’t. I made mashed potatoes, green beans, pork chops smothered in an onion gravy for the white guy (One I mentioned up there) he disappeared for about two-three weeks -I thought damn maybe I shouldn't have cooked for him. When he resurfaced, it was with a proposal with conditions. I had to promise to give him one son. I was like dude I have 3 daughters and there's no guarantee and I just can't take that chance. So, we ended. Most of my relationships ended when it came to the prospect of having more children or me keeping up the charade. There are very few men I know of any shade that are interested in marrying fat and out of shape women. I know some women don't like to hear that but for most of men, aesthetics matter - men like looking at and waking up to pretty...just like women like looking at and waking up to gorgeous/handsome. So, I don't know why any of us trip when it comes to looks. Anyway, what I've learned about black men is what most married women know. The BM I’ve dated don't want to be controlled or conquered they want to be won over. That's a dance within itself. The fact that those men on the panel have been married multiple times speaks to this point. Black Men want to be married (I learned that the hard way). It's been my experience that most men want to be married. So, not sure what this battle is going on between the sheets... and that woman's statistics don't match the U.S. census figures - so she may be talking about eligible single BM with a certain amount of wealth and education in comparison to women of equal stature.

@Troy Actually, I liked your little survey. I'm like my twin - I have an appreciation for numbers, data and stats. Further It was fascinating that the larger surveyed mirrored our sample...

Now that's the book I want to read!

The only time I don't discount large percentages or numbers is when I'm selling something, looking at the scale, my debt ratio, bank account or when people are taking action. The rest of the time opinions are irrelevant.. I find people are woefully ignorant in large numbers - and agreement makes people unbelievably lazy. By the way, while it's true that less than 40 percent of ELIGIBLE voters went for trump ... He WON with than 45 percent of people who cast a ballot . You proved my point - paying attention to a percentage of number of people who are inactive is a waste of time.

@Cynique You know, that is a good point!!

I agree with you @Troy, I didn't know that so many women didn't know about their own bodies until I got to myspace. And worse it seemed that a lot of women never learned from their moms. Many seem to take their cues from men - Anyway, that's how a lot of relationship experts started to thrive in the age of "social media" I used to belong to this facebook co-ed group and it would get super steamy and incredibly educational and liberating for both women and men. Sometimes brothers would post pics of their woman's discharge and the women would tell the brothers what was really going on depending on the quality of the "biological waste". Growing up in my family, the matriarchs, were very open about teaching us girl youngins' age-appropriate lessons about our bodies. Sex was never a taboo subject. It's a tradition that the women in my family continue. ..my poor daughters would sometime say TMI when I start in or certain topics... they would about die when my mother chimed in... she's the worst when it comes to vivid descriptions lol. As for men learning how to satisfy women - and vice versa, that's an integral part of intimacy... If you can't tell your man or woman what is satisfying - why are you two even together? (Hypothetical question. I'm not targeting you or anyone)

Th Rounding error in favor of... the majority? Ok. We didn't learn much more - between the five of us we came up with the nearly the same results. I think Cynique and I agreed it wasn't racist but we differed on how flattering the pic was. white folks chiming in provided another voice - but I didn't think we'd get a consensus . "Racism" is a social construct and unless it denies someone of rights, it becomes nuanced and has to be added to other acts to feel its effect.

@Pioneer1 This an interesting view from your world. I live in a different world. My world doesn't consist of radio talk show hosts, conservatives vs-liberals, etc.. I live in a world or at least I surround myself with people who are balanced - focused knowledgeable, with many being polymaths or specialists in their fields. None (unless they're in the closet) ascribe to hyper-masculinity or hyper-femininity or even cling to those personality traits as a badge of honor. In an effort to keep their world balanced they push boundaries in an attempt to evolve. I can't speak about those conservatives who are not changing with the times... while I used to report on them - I don't know any personally. NOTE: I raised my girls in Wheeling, WV and then Naperville, IL and it doesn't get any whiter than that - and I didn't know of any upper middle class white women to raise their boys to be hyper-masculine and agressive. The proof of their efforts are in the millennial men that you see at the top of the food chain today. Not a nary one of those young billionaires are hyper-masculine nor are their peers and counterparts.

The photo is flattering pie chart adds up to 101% of 80 percent of women reporting ... w/ 29% of women agreeing the photo is flattering (varying degrees) Here the majority disagrees (72 %) The photo is subtlety racist pie chart adds up to 100% of 80 percent of women reporting... w/ 40% agreeing the photo is racist (varying degrees) Here the majority disagrees (60%) So while women may not like Ms. Davis look in this photo they don't think it's racist. Whatever. My question is what did you, @Troy ,hope would happen? The majority opinion would win, those with the dissenting opinion would then agree the photo was racist? and then what? For the record, my opinion remains unchanged.

Women have found inserting and using several muscle resistant devices such as yoni eggs and even this pelvic floor strengthener that bears the "kegel" name is more effective than squeezing air . It helps with continence too - "no wetting pants when you sneeze"

@Troy Control occurs with the use of vaginal muscles. -Missionary is one of those positions when the vagina can grip the penis and bring it in further down the canal. It's doable during doggie style but it takes a bit more focus.... Missionary is optimal for vaginal orgasm as well as clitoral - but then again so the scissor position...Actually as long the vaginal muscles are strong and in good working order - vaginal control to climax is not an issue... In fact for some men the walls can be strong that it can hurt during her climax.

Absolutely! I've learned a lot from television! And even today, often times writers give hints how to navigate unfamiliar worlds..I've always sucked at office politics so thank goodness my time in traditional corporate america was limited ...but I did learn how to navigate those office reindeeer games by watching shows such as The Good Wife and even "The Black List"... While I'm sure the players display hyper-misbehavior ... stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason ... and there's much to be learned from watching these characters interact with the plot. Especially since those plots are taken from life. Television is a tool and if you know how to use it, it will serve you well.

@Cynique, I'm so sorry for your loss and ours. When I read this initially, I couldn't process it right away. I got choked up. Then while revisiting my photos for the National Museum of African American History and Culture... I started to cry. We can go so many ways in this life... I don't know what's it like to be a black man in this society and for some black women, It may seem that I don't know what's it's like to be a "black woman"... but like you, we've experienced so many things and taken advantage of a lot of what life has to offer. I was drawn to you for that very reason... Prior to reading your first hand accounts, I thought I was just "lucky" ..Then I noticed the theme and pattern in your accounts that allowed me tor realize; it's not luck but choices and resourcefulness. I, like your grandson, love rap and classical music equally. I'm not surprised your grandson was intrigued by the streets..around the same age or I was a little older, I remember going to an award show with Big Daddy Kane and we went to this after party. While we getting ready to go through the door; I heard this crack and thud... Kane had cold cocked this dude and literally knocked him to the ground. Rush (Russell Simmons) who was already in the club came out and ushered us in quickly. I've entertained in my home the now deceased Professor X...Lamumba Carson... Or drag raced against a man down Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn, who I later found out was very connected to the streets, rap music and cyber crime.. but I dated him for several years...(even though I had a baby daughter to consider. All this to say, that's what an upbringing that exposes you to so many different worlds will do for you...It expands the mind in ways that average folks will never understand... I can't speak for your grandson but I followed a similar path as he did and learned a lot. I can only wonder if it was a "Class" for him too. I'm so sorry he's not here to share his stories. It makes me even more committed to getting stuff down in print... because NOTHING and No day is promised to us - but every day we breath we have to experience as much as we can. Thank you Cynique, thank you so much for sharing you, with us! <3

BAM!!! It doesn't. Or at least in my memory most who exhibited this behavior line the walls of society's jails and/or are food for the earth.

@Delano, I've been discussing items related to my deeply held conviction, "Freedom". I've never discussed "Freedom" in any forum because it's such a fluid concept. (non pun intended) . But I defend "freedom" because anything that happens in nature shouldn't be interfered with or artificially restrained.

@Cynique I go by the name "Medea Junkee' " on Instagram... LOL. When it comes to media - there's not much I haven't consumed... I used to watch a lot of news during the week when I was just a kid. Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, John Johnson, Ernie Anastos and Carol Martin (she was a black woman anchoring the 6 o'clock news and my inspiration) were my media heroes. (gosh I'm such a nerd) On the weekends, my parents allowed me to watch as much television as I wanted. Growing up in New York, you could get your fill of the The Bowery Boys, Abbott and Costello shows and movies, Bob Hope/Bing Crosby buddy flicks on Sundays. On Saturdays, you could watch cartoons all morning on the network channels followed by a lot of old comedy. thrillers and horror movies on the independent broadcast channels such as WPIX, WOR and WNEW. "Creature Feature and Chiller theater come to mind. Our cartoons were filled with Western Civilization cultural references so I got introduced to classical music compositions early on thanks to Bugs Bunny. I learned a bit about the south from Foghorn Leghorn Rooster who happened to be my dad's favorite (he was really into cartoons too) I learned about ingenuity from Wile E Coyote and the Road Runner (another of my dad's favorites). I then learned a lot about grammar and usage , civics and safety via School House Rocks.... By the way, I learned later that a lot of our old cartoons were censored to cut out the racist references such as black-face, mammy references etc... (so again, there was a certain amount of sheltering when growing up in the North. Speaking of which, do you know there's no mention of race on our birth certificates . I learned that those born in south are identified by race when they are born. But I digress So yep - I got my old school knowledge of Abbott and Costello, 'n'em because New York broadcast media kept the 40s, 50s, 60s alive well into the 90s .

@Delano LOL that's how this topic took that tangential turn... Troy stated "that's another thing that divides us..." This is like the "Niagara Falls" Abbott & Costello joke - slowly I turn... step by step and I say, "DIVIDE US", DIVIDE US???... For the majority of women, we cannot be divided from those we give birth to. Male infants who will later become men literally grow to humans in our bodies and come to this planet through us. Men carry our mtDNA (mitochondrial DNA), the same molecule that contains the ATP ( adenosine triphosphate) which is said to be the source of all energy for life... Yes, I'm being dramatic but it's for effect. Division does not compute on a molecular level...So mentally it's a difficult concept to process.

Exactly! For me it's not an individual thing'. Individually I've had a great relationships with some black men They've supported me as if I were their little sister... So many black men have helped me with my career and many have taken me under their wings - when I've been too naive to understand ways to fight in the world. But that's individual relationships and love. @Troy, your mentoring and support of me in this digital world is priceless! Yet this doesn't happen as a unified front.

@Troy, I know...actually, I feel it. This is why I'm glad you at least entertained the discussion. The one thing about discussions is really not to change someone's POV, it's about helping each other understand THERE IS ANOTHER POV... you and I are now aware there's another language other than our own. We may not be fluent it in but we know it exist. :thumbs up: @Cynique Oh snap! I just can't LOL

@Cynique YES, to ALL of what you've written !!! And especially this part This was the huge wake up call for me, considering his position sitting behind that desk - being paid obscene amounts of cash for poking fun at the system... If we look at the slave-wage industry for what it is he really is the House N-er...and the rest of poor working folks are out in the fields... for real.

I feel ashamed that at times that I have "no" other convictions than "results" and "freedom". And even results are relative to its environment.

@Delano, Yes, Alvin Ailey and Arthur Mitchell are inspiring and their support through the arts created avenues for talented black women that were previously closed to them. These two used their male privilege to open up a venue for black women to shine in an area that was previously closed to them. I didn't even realize they were gay - so that means not only did they fight for their rights quietly - they also fought to have black women "center stage". Thank you. By the way, there's another black man in history that was a supporter of women's rights. Frederick Douglass. I gave him the side-eye though because he asked the suffragettes to stop fighting for their right to vote, to help black men get the vote. smh