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I divorced my ex-husband for being disrespectful, not for an "adulterous" affair. I found out he was having an intimate and sexual relationship with another woman but didn't bother to tell me. If he would have told me he was seeing someone else, it would have given me an opportunity to decide how to proceed. He didn't. His silence took away my choice and also put my life in danger. I believe when you're in an intimate relationship you don't keep secrets from each other. Openness and vulnerability toward each other is the foundation of a great relationship.

It doesn't necessarily follow that monogamy leads to a happy home life. Being polygamous is not the same as cheating. I have known and met people who have open relationships. Otn one instance the adult child was more upset than the partner. What is moral, ethical and good is another debate. I also knew a couple where the woman was a leabian. However that was more of a business situation. Plus she did use sex as a weapon. But he didn't care. I also had a coworker that said certain sex acts her partner should see a prostitute. There's what works and what works for you. They are not always the same. Interesting. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher had an open relationship. But it broke yp when he hid one his lovers. At that point he was cheating. Its not cheating if the other person knows about your lover.

@Delano the process of thinking? Or looking for answers? Well I guess that gives you an idea how I think.. If it's thinking to find an answer -I call myself the "obedient scribe" because I'll ask a question and the answer appears - or at least the field of what I'm thinking about gets narrower. That is productive thinking. Thinking to just think is much easier because I just listen. Depending on what level of consciousness, I'm currently residing, I can "hear" . For example, I woke up with a request - "someone" asked me to research the "styles of the decade - and so before I got out of bed I began penning some ideas on the topic. It was surreal even for me - because I have no real interest in discussing fashion but I did it anyway focusing first on the 70s, then the 60s, 80s, and 90s. I even wrote a blog post, "Styles of the Decades | Voices inside My Head" It turned out to be fun and I got a chance to use some old family photos in the post. Here's where it got weird. I got an email on Friday that informed me that on the very same day I began writing the post, Tim Gunn, Project runway, a show I've never ever seen -- gave a talk at the Library of Congress on the topic of fashions in the 70s. In fact, there's an exhibit on disco fashion "Bibliodiscotheque" at the LOC that ended on Saturday. In his taped interview, he said, (paraphrase) "before you can talk about the 70s you must first talk about the revolutionary 60s" ...those were nearly the same words I used in my blog post. All this to say, I believe thinking is a result of being open to any given channel of influence, so to speak... I intuited this concept early on, and I tend to tune into the highest frequency I can perceive. It just so happened that day I dialed to dial into the Library of Congress's frequency. Thank you for today's blog post topic. I'm using this response ...

@Pioneer1 Most likely, but I don't know. He never informed me. At the least, let me know who the women are just in case they'd tried to run up on me. When I was married and my oldest daughter's father " and his wife came to visit our daughter and us; my ex had a fit. In fact, Ex was extremely jealous of my close relationship with him. My daughter's father and I were not and are not sexually involved. So I figured our marriage was closed. I was attracted to other men but I didn't act on it - if I wanted to I would've told my X-husband. It's mutual respect especially for those you love that is the foundation of all relationships. In fact, those are the type of people I associate with closely. I have respect for my daughter's father's wife and she for me, I suppose. She knows I wouldn't do anything with her husband without her consent. He has actually come to visit his daughter (us) with their children and she's remained home. Thinking about now, I realize that I just deal with very mature men and women who have no time for sneaking around. Which brings me to this. It's not about negotiating; it's about informing. The consequences be what they will. No one can tell an adult what they can and can't do. Now if there's a law against adultery on the books in the state that one lives in - then no amount consent will avail. If not, however, then engaging in intimate relationships might help with one's growth.

　 who used to be a skeptical young chick. Debbie Downer. Speaking of a sly sense of humor..... I can think of SEVERAL good jokes out of that one line. But it would be neither sly nor appropriate for me to utter them.....lol. BTW, it's my pleasure to share this board with you too.

The feds issued that report years ago but even before the official report we already knew that a lot of White Supremacists have infiltrated law enforcement agencies around the country. I remember one of my cousins who had a spotless record AND a degree and wanted to become a Detroit Police officer during one of thier hiring sprees but complained that he was passed up for the job, but months later he saw a bus pull up full of police recruits in training and almost all of them were White men with shaved heads and red faces.....had that Marine Corp look about them. White cops to patrol a Black city. We WERE making a lot of progress with law enforcement and racism 30 or 40 years ago. When Coleman Young took office back in the early 70s he made it so that not only did they hire more Black police officers but those police had to actually live inside the city! On top of that, in most cases 2 White police officers weren't allowed to ride together. It was either a White and Black cop or 2 Black cops. He also hired a lot of women to the force. We had more Black cops on the force and police brutality went down. Another mayor came in and they gradually got rid of those rules and now police brutality has gone up. 　 Instead of releasing prisoners (many who seem to have mental problems), Obama should have made it one of his priorities to launch a major investigation to root out the racist infiltration before he left office. It's hard to believe that if the feds released a report that Muslim terrorists were infiltrating the police agencies around the nation that the DOJ or even the state and local agencies would just let that report slide without taking some sort of affirmative action.

True, cheating, by definition, is behaving in a way that goes counter to the rules, as in the case with conventional marriage vows. Most "cheaters" I'm aware of don't make much of an effort to cover up their tracks; Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, etc. Reapers simply wrote cheating is "fucked up end of discussion." I wonder what she (you know Guest Reaper is a she), believes we should do with cheaters? Should we execute them? Give them a stern talking to? What? Christian ministers cheat and eternal damnation does not seem to deter them. Public humiliation did not seem to bother Bill Clinton. Losing his family, many millions of dollars, and perhaps his career did not stop Tiger Woods.

"cheating" is nothing more than an attempt to control the behavior of the spouse. It's a level of cowardice. As in the "cheater" rather sneak around than have a conversation with their partner to change the terms of the initial agreement of a closed marriage. If it weren't - the topic of this discussion would be "why do black wo/men have multiple sex partners?"

Hummm. All these old threads from the past, are interesting. On this one, I must've been in pure contrarian mode when commenting. Suddenly, I'm on your side, Troy. IMO, faithfulness is about buying into the concept that love is a prison that confines rather than a sentiment that expands. Monogamy is for those who find security in a world with a population of 2, where religion is represented by worshiping each other. If it's the true nature for a woman or a man whose appetite for apples does not dull their taste of oranges, then sameness is a stifling alternative to diversity. The welfare of children should not totally control one's life and they probably benefit from being spared this form of suffocation. A fulfilled parent is a better parent than a frustrated one. I respect and admire those who make and keep their romantic commitments but I wouldn't judge anyone of either sex who has an appreciation for variety being the spice of life, - as long as discretion is exercised. Of course, marriage involves responsibility and dedication, and I guess that's why so many are now delaying it. If it's not a natural state for you, then there's no need to bow to societal and parental pressure to enter into it Yes, I was wed for 50 years and I think the reason my marriage lasted that long was because my husband and I gave each other a lot of space and encouraged our kids to be independent. Life is too short to live by other people's rules. Be true to yourself. And - duck if your pistol-packin mate catches you indulging your passion for polygamy.

Hi Lisa, one could argue that a strong loving family exists because men cheat. Cheating, in and of itself, does not cause damage to the family structure and illegitimate children. Lack of birth control causes this. As far as arguments and jealousy, getting caught and lack of discretion is usually the culprit. Stating that monogamy is the "right" thing makes assumptions that I'm not willing accept so easily. What makes monogamy right? I don't ask the question lightly: Sapiens have been running around on this planet for about 200K years. When did monogamy become right? If there was a start, when did it happen and who decreed it to be right? Is this a permanent rule? I understand our cultural standards completely, but I can also observe our collective behavior as well. The cultural standard is that people are only supposed to have sex with one other person, of the opposite gender, that we are married to. Again one will argue this is the right thing to do, but I'm not so sure. Given the almost complete failure of anyone to do this should be a clue. Also who says monogamy has to be limited to men?

Well, Troy, I'm not disputing that men desire sex. My point was that put in circumstances conducive to sex, all men don't take advantage of this and they refrain from doing so for various reasons. And it doesn't necessary have to do with a woman's ugliness; might be her personal hygiene or halitosis or her weight. Of course any woman can find some man to screw her. Even a dead woman is fair game to some. Nevertheless, for whatever reason, there are women who lament the fact that men rejected them when they tried to seduce them. And of course both men and women lie about their sex activity. Women do so to avoid being thought of as sluts, and men do so in hopes of being regarded as macho. Image is a factor. In the demanding throes of modern day life, stress takes its toll on passion and drive. We are no longer living in the stone age. Surveys have revealed that many couples go weeks without sex, or even have separate bedrooms. Yes, some men have mid-life crises affairs. But it's not unusual for wives to complain about their husbands having low sex drives. Like everything else nowadays, it's complicated. Why do men cheat? Because, as you and Pioneer contend, it's their nature to have sex with anyone wherever it's available whether they are single or in a relationship? Really? Are you guys speaking for yourselves?

There was a documentary on swinging. And they interviewed couples. One guy said he saw his parents at a swinging party. He said swinging just amplifies what ever is going on in your relationship. Although some like the idea of it. They are not emotionally prepared, balanced.

Yeah its an evocative answer along with a great story. You are also mentioning an idea that i have been working on and of Since January. Thinking intuition and imagination are the same thing. They don't feel different, it's their use that defines them. I have thought projects and think about my thinking. Since I believe that I am a non linear conceptual intuitive thinker/empath.

You say compromising positions like its a bad thing. Thats when the negotiations and deals get made. Hee hee hee. Visualise hands rubbing together.

Moving Fannie Lou Hamer's page to the new format and I stumbled across her full testimony at the Democratic National Convention, August 22, 1964, Credentials Committee. Previously I'd only heard an excerpt. I can't imagine standing up to overt racism, in the deep south, the way she did. I spend enough time in Florida to have confronted over racism in 2017, but that is nothing compared to 50 years ago. I can't even image sharecropping. I had a job when I was 14 working in Central Park, pulling weeds and stuff like that. It was exhausting work--I can't image a life of that drudgery... Hamer is a remarkable woman brave and a brilliant orator.

I KNOW I wouldn't have lasted too long out there. I tend to be too much of a "thinker" for strenous manual labor. Not saying that I'm some genius or "deep thinker".....I mean that when it comes to working, rather than "just doing" something, I'll often sit for a while and think of different easier ways to do it.....especially when it comes to sweating and heavy laboring. I would have constantly been in trouble with not only the White folks running the plantation but probably the other slaves too because I would have spent much of the time trying to figure out a way to get all the work expected of me done by noon so I could go somwhere and hide and take a nap...lol. And I've always been that way, even as a teenager mopping floors, bussing tables, and laying carpet. I used to have battles with some managers because I'd always find easier ways to do whatever jobs they gave me. In MY mind, you're paying me to get the job done....not sweat....so if I can get the same thing done with half the effort then what's the big deal? But as I got older I learned that a lot of them were more concerned with seeing you sweat and staying busy than the actual amount of work you got done. In the service industry, mediocre workers who "stay busy" are often treated better than high producers who slack off.

LOL! @Pioneer1, (here is where I would normally use the N-word), who you telling! There is no way I could have survived in those fields. I've been to the Mississippi Delta those white folks down there don't play. You probably would have made a good overseer, anything preferable to slaving away n them fields huh?

Openness, Mel can be even harder than monogamy. I'm not sure it is any more natural either. People are often not honest with themselves and don't bother to look deeply into their own hearts. How can they be open with someone else if they are not open with themselves? I believe everyone has secrets. I don't think that is necessarily bad. If I verbalized everything that crosses my mind to my wife she'd know I was crazy I think we all are a little "crazy" on some level and some things are really best kept to ourselves...

I did not take the "It's just books" as a put down, I just don't take the critique at face value. I write this because on every single page of the site, there is a menu says "Discussion" There is also a search box on every page which would direct anyone to the forums with a simple query. Again, finding the forms is not difficult if one put in an ounce of effort--unlesss I'm missing something. If I am please tell me. Also, the site gets at least 10 new sign ups a week, but the majority never post. This is something I really worth pursuing... because it is worth understanding why these people don't post I just don't have the time. Still, the forums are simply not as popular as they once were. I'm sure it is a combination of several factors but I suspect the strongest factor is Facebook. Facebook plays a zero sum game. They literally want to be the only place users ever go when they go on-line. Aldso people are still reading the pages they are just not commenting. One page for example that is really popular is the one about the Best Black websites. It ranks well in search and deserves better presentation I just don't have the time to address it now, Only 1 out every 2,000 visitors to the pages leaves a comment (not counting myself). I dunno, what motivates you to post here @Mel Hopkins ?

Troy 　 I had a job when I was 14 working in Central Park, pulling weeds and stuff like that. It was exhausting work--I can't image a life of that drudgery... Now see..... You were jumping all over me in the other thread accusing me of being a house slave, but here YOU are ready to fall out after pulling up a few dandelions in the park! Man, if you couldn't handle picking weeds in Central Park no way in the WORLD could you have handled picking cotton on a Mississippi plantation, lol. Just about the only thing you could have done was find one of those coats with the split tail in the back and gets to being the BEST house negro you could be.....lol.

@Troy said " I can and will add discussion forum content to the homepage to reflect the conversations that are taking place on these forums " That is a good idea! Maybe if you also add "create your own profile and join in the discussion" this will encourage folks who are looking for a social networking site to participate. The discussion forum, encourages transient traffic. Those visitors aren't necessarily coming to the site because they put in a search term - they're visiting because they have an opinion on the topic and want to express it. If they stay to join the community -even better. As for those visitors who responded "it's just books" that wasn't a put down. I've sent "readers" here... they like books. They just couldn't find the discussion forum. I've noticed that in the past, you've posted discussion topics on twitter - in fact that's how I met @VL Towler she was very vocal in topic - and the link on twitter took the visitors right to the discussion. Well that sucks... I have a facebook page. I have followers (5) not friends. I send my wordpress blog posts to facebook, twitter google etc. I'm able to syndicate my blog posts that way. But my website isn't a social networking site like AALBC. I have subscribers not members (at least not yet.)

No @Mel Hopkins, I have not tried Depop. I actually never heard of it until you mentioned it. I checked out the site and don't have any interest in it. I'm sorry to read that the initial reaction of those that you invited was "that it is nothing but books." I suspect if you probed you'd find there was a different reason because the reality is that the forums were always dominated by non-book conversations. But to your point, I can and will add discussion forum content to the homepage to reflect the conversations that are taking place on these forums. Maybe some variation of this feed:

Cynique I assume that people want to challenge their beliefs and do original thinking. I would say your synopsis or is it analysis, is on the money. There aren't too many places where you can have a provocative dialogue. The question is not what do you think about or how do you think. But what happens while you are thinking. My initial feeling was thinking is a mysterious process. Since you don't feel anything and then the answer pops out.

I've been thinking about how I think and I'm not sure. I will say that I am always challenged by people who confidently assert something, and my first impulse is contradict them with an alternate possibility. I am a natural polemicist and an inductive thinker, which is why I anticipate what a person who disagrees with me would say and I am thinking of how to respond to their rebuttal even as i am trying to get my ideas across. My main shortcoming is remembering something I have heard somewhere and including it in making my point without being able to back it up with references and hard facts. So this can make it easy for someone to tell me that I don't know what i'm talking about. LOL. In being a truth seeker, my perspective is always about the big picture and the overview because I think people get caught up in their own little worlds. I am also a cynical old broad who used to be a skeptical young chick. Debbie Downer. Below are my observations about the thought processes of you 3 guys, and they are observations not criticisms. They are what make you all uniquely yourselves. Del assumes you know where he is coming from and is spontaneous in his comments which are often out of context and are, therefore, confusing. He is also mercurial but this contributes to his being flexible in his positions. He seems self-aware and sensitive, a versatile thinker comfortable with both science and spirituality. Troy subconsciously uses the power of persuasion in his arguments, assuming that what is as "given" to him is a "given" to you - until you snap out of it.LOL He borders on ennobling himself because he always takes the high ground and although he sometimes takes on the role of the victim, too, he is very convincing in justifying his grievances. A great technical, resourceful mind complemented by a winning personality With Pioneer, he is very opinionated and often backs up his opinions with specious arguments that, if not necessarily factual, are at least interesting and provocative, - not to mention long-winded. A well-read, unorthodox thinker with a sly sense of humor. I enjoy sparring with all of you. You make my life more interesting because I don't get a lot of mental stimulation in my day-to-day existence that includes scrolling up and down FaceBook..

Troy You asked an excellent question that I've found myself asking many women over the years..especially those who claim to be irreligious. WHO told you monogamy was the "right" thing? As far as I'm concerned it's a matter of preference....choice. Most men are polygamous and prefer multiple parnters. Most women are monogamous and prefer the comfort of a secure single relationship. Harmony comes when both groups respect the desires and preferences of the other and work along those lines. The above book was clearly aimed at women because most men aren't waiting on "Ms Right". Ms Right for them is whoever they find attractive and is willing to sleep with them. It's a shame so many young women are being indoctinated into holding out for some mythical "knight in shining armor" who doesn't exist. I blame Hollywood for this and the fantastic (in the truest definition) standards it seems to set for so many young women. But concerning that book.... It's unrealistic and down right absurd for a couple of wealthy attractive relatively young people to sit back with grins on their faces telling the average man and woman to "wait". You learn about relationships by HAVING them and the trial and error of making mistakes. Telling people to wait for the perfect mate is like telling a young driver's ed student they should wait until the weather is 70 degrees and perfect before being taught how to drive. This sounds like some foolishness they picked up from thier priveledged White friends who have so much money and so many friends they have nothing better to do than play "relationship games"...lol. Lisa Brown I know you're young and fresh to the world so I'm gonna tell you the straight up truth and you can either accept it or reject it...but it you accept it relationships will be much easier and things will make more sense. Men cheat because they like sex with multiple women and if they told you the truth they know you wouldn't sleep with them....so they lie to you. Not all men cheat or have sex with multiple women. Some men are gay, others have a low sex drive where they don't want sex as much. But MOST men do....especially those under 40. That's a biological reality and there's NOTHING wrong with it. The only thing wrong is the MISEDUCATION of most women in this society concerning male biology and psychology. You've been TAUGHT that normal is wrong or bad....so now you must be UN-TAUGHT.

Cynique, you might be surprised how often old threads are read. The old Thumper's Corner is still read. These conversations may be old to us, but to new visitors, they are brand new. Speaking of monogamy here is a book out which came out earlier in the year, The Wait: A Powerful Practice for Finding the Love of Your Life and the Life You Love, in which the subjects say they waited and have apparently found bliss. But of course, real life never matches the finely crafted narratives created by celebrities selling products. In fact, the real lives of many of these celebrities, often turn out to be something completely different even extreme by present day standards.